What stepping forward feels like...

Now this title could possibly appear misleading, or it could be very clear to some of you the meaning behind it. 

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Everyone has those moments in life where change occurs. And in those moments we create certain ideals and thoughts in our heads, the what ifs, whys, hows and whens. For the past year or so I've felt a bit stuck. I'm not sure why this is but I feel that many people experience this feeling, some even every year of their life. Now many of my actions and decisions are driven by anxiety, the issue I have is that my anxiety isn't who I am and it definitely isn't a main portion of my personality, but it has the strongest pull. So while I've wanted to change how my life happens, what happens, and what direction I'm going, there is this constant anchor weighing me down.

This anchor caused me to put off many things, and while my nature is to want to live a full life with no regrets, my anxiety has prevented that.

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In high school when I was asked out by my first major crush (when I mean major I mean I was pretty much in love with him, and I had definitely thought about him as more than a friend for nearly 2 years) my first reaction was immense fear, and I cut him off before he could even finish speaking. I went on the defensive and in a way made our friendship very awkward for the next month. After that year we no longer maintained the once close friendship we had and that is something that I regret, because its an unknown, and unknowns are scary and intriguing.

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There are many minor moments in which my anchor held me back, but the next main moment that I will forever feel uncertain about was when it came time to apply to college. I will say my parents did play a role in my decisions at this point, however if I truly tried I'm certain I could have accomplished my goal. My initial thought on college was that I would attend a four year school, most likely a UC, graduate at 22 and get married bla bla bla... But my dream was somewhat different. I dreamed (and still dream) of going to design school, moving to New York, getting an internship and starting my own label. My backup was to be a teacher. I love kids and teaching, but I will always want what I don't have. 

So what really happened? I became more and more nervous heading into the beginning of my senior year of high school, causing me to attempt at hyper organizing my college application plan, without actually doing any planning or research. So when it came time to apply I had no schools I wanted to attend, and no idea what degree I would study. I basically screwed myself over. I ended up going to community college, which I have enjoyed but it was in truth my safety net and not a very good one because it didn't keep me safe it only held me down. Going to community college is very like trying to get out of a safety net once you've fallen into one, you scramble for the edge to climb out only to roll back to the middle again. My first semester I mustered the strength to take a beginning fashion design class. But that is the only step I've taken in pursuing my dream other then sketching designs.

Now here I am. I have an AA in behaviorial studies, I've been at this school 4 years, I have a full time job an assisting teacher in a special needs preschool, and I'm finally transferring to a university.

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I'm happy with where I am, just not how I got here.
I wasn't really in control of myself or my choices in the past.
But I'm hoping that that is going to change :)
I love teaching, like really love it, and helping children reach their potential by believing they can accomplish anything. But I do feel that I'm lacking a creative outlet... So I'm going to put more into my blog. A lot is happening and a lot has happened, so some of what I'll post is just day to day, lifestyle. Other times there may be fashion, or interior design (I'm currently putting together my first apartment <3 its a lot of fun)
Also I'm putting a lot of focus on organization. And mental health and happiness. So I'm doing more activities and focusing on God more and what he has chosen for me in my life, so far it has helped a lot knowing that He has a plan for me, even if I don't, and I don't know what it is its a comforting thought to know I have a great purpose waiting for me :)

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Here's the main problem I've had in the past that I'm trying to eliminate in my future. 

At any time in the past I could have reached out and voiced my concerns about my anxiety and how it was holding me back, and I never did. But I became angry at people for not seeing it and reaching to help me when they had no idea how close to drowning I was.

I wrote half this post after a stressful day, and the other half while I was calm and happy. I don't know if you can even see the difference, but I can.
I'm trying to live authentically and honestly, thats the best way I can hope to live a happy life and get the most out of life.

Good luck to you all in your life as well!!

So long!

xo RC