Parental Pressure

Without realizing it, our parents can break us down instead of build us up.

It's rough. Especially when you are a teen and at times it seems like your parents are the only people who care about you or are on your side. 

It is unfair, because in your mind you're thinking, they're adults they should know better. But if you are a teen who isn't at the point where they can acknowledge that their parents aren't perfect, then you are probably on the mindset of what's wrong with me; why am I this way; how can I change; or worst yet how can I keep my parents from noticing. While you are dealing with these questions you are also dealing with everything people are saying about you at school, or what they aren't saying but what you believe they are.

I think that parents need a reality check. I know people think tough love is okay, but I also think the term is often skewed. Tough love isn't being critical of who your child is, its commenting on their actions not who they are, so before you (a parent) say anything you really need to take the time to reflect on what you are about to spew out at your child and realize that children are fragile. 

And for you children out there, I know it's hard but try not to take everything your parents say with complete belief and respect, some things in life you need to learn to take with a grain of salt rather than a boulder. Also stand up for yourself. Or if you can't get a friend or relative to do it for you. Just because your parent might demand respect and for you to listen, doesn't mean you have to accept what they are saying, or that you can't answer back.

To me the very worst thing about what parents say to their children, is that it makes the child deflect what their parent says onto someone else, either a sibling or a fellow peer. That's not okay, making someone else feel the same as you won't make you feel better, it will just make someone else feel worse. You are truthfully dragging someone down with you, when you should be asking for a helping hand and find someone to help you back up.

I know that peer pressure is something we learn about all the time in high school and from our elders, but more importantly children need to be informed about parental pressure and people as a whole need to acknowledge it.

Whether you are being pressured due to an heritage or ethnicity, or if it has to due with physical or mental ability. Children are pressured to be successful, and then their parents also put down their friends or peers who they deem "unsuccessful." This happened to me the other day...

 A young hispanic girl in her senior year in high school was talking to me at church the other day, we are friends and I know her well, but what she said complimented me but also bothered me. She mentioned that she loves what I'm doing with my life, living it and gaining experience and choosing to not take the conventional route straight to a 4 year university. She also said that she doesn't think that it means I am unsuccessful at all and that she thinks her dad is wrong, and that as long as you are doing something you love with your life and going towards something you are being successful. I am so glad that she has such a positive and individual view on what success means, but it also makes me think is this how parents view me? As unsuccessful? I'm 21, I live at home, and go to College part time, and work full time with Children who have Special Needs. I have an associates degree, and plan on attending college next fall to receive my multiple subject and moderate to severe special education credentials. I have a plan, and am entirely happy with where I am. But even those few words caused me to pause and question myself... 

I'm confident enough to know I am doing the right thing for me, and there is no one that will change my path, but that isn't how most people my age would react. I know many of my friends would dwell on something like this for a good couple weeks, and some may even take this type of comment so seriously that they would change their future plans. When you don't have confidence in yourself, and someone begins to question you, your resilience crumbles, it begins to feel like you are in a cavern and the walls are shaking and rocks are beginning to fall.

A major area of pressure I have felt from my parents for years is weight loss. Feel free to look through some of my posts that contain pictures and you'll see I'm not a small woman. But I'm happy. I don't have an issue with having to buy size 33 pants at Gap even though that is the largest option, and I've never felt self conscious in a changing room, in recent years. Of course I've felt awkward and self conscious but I've learned a lot about myself, who I am and what I choose to represent. Everything you do is a choice you have made. It is. No matter what. NO ONE can choose for you, you can choose to agree with them, or disagree but you are the one making the choice. And it takes a lot to own up to those choices.

My mom's comments started back when I was 16. Actually earlier, when I was 14. In 8th grade I was playing recreational soccer, and my coach did 2 practices a week with one day for optional conditioning. My friends went to it and one day I decided to go and it was brutal but fun. When I went home after my parents said "we think its a good idea you are doing this, its good to stay fit and you should keep going," this sounds entirely positive, but this isn't at all how I heard it, this is what I got You are going to be fat when you are older so better get fit now and not gain that weight. I kept going, but when the soccer season ended so did the conditioning. For reference I was in no way overweight at 14, I was 5'6 maybe and about 110-120 lbs. Perfectly normal. This continued into my freshman year. And sophomore year. But near the winter of my sophomore year the weight started to pack on because I had participated in a sport in the fall and quitting the daily activity doubled with the continued higher caloric intake equaled weight gain. My parents noticed and got me a gym membership = your fat lose weight. My weight gain was completely emotional, but no one knew this. I'll touch on this on a different post, but during this time I went through some deep depression, where I almost completely shut myself off from everyone and became incredibly self destructive. One major issue I have, is that I hate dealing with problems and emotions, so I tend to hide my true feelings. Zero of my friends had any inkling I was even sad at this time, and getting shut out by a friend and hearing negative comments form my peers made it worse. Add that to my parents questioning my academic decisions/grades and my physical weight... Lets just say that was a rough year.

This is what I learned. You can't let things permanently stay with you, think of comments and thoughts as temporary, tell yourself you'll get past them and think of ways to deal with your emotions and move forward. There's no need to ignore how you feel. Accept what has been said/thought decide how you feel about it, and express your feelings. You can confront who said what, tell someone how you feel about yourself or about what someone said, just take action, but remember don't hurt someone in the process.

Not only is this a message for teens or children, but also for parents. Children and parents need to be able to discuss things and talk to one another. Parents, you are a role model and a safe place to your children, don't become a scary place. And children, welcome your parents opinions, what they have to say can be important but share your feelings with your parents and friends, whether those feeling originate from something your peers said or something your parent said. The best way to avoid many issues growing and maturing children deal with is to keep an open and kind flow of communication, and honesty.

So long and thanks for reading <3

xo RC